Living with an eating disorder as a 21 year old

 I've had eating disorders from a young age. It came as an unexpected saviour, settling a comfortable sensation within me. I was at peace. I could think clearly, I could be myself. I did not look in the mirror, but I could see the numbers going down. Everybody was congratulating me for my "accomplishment". Eating disorders do not exist in this country. I was 12, too young to have anything serious, too old to be taken into account.

9 years later with a severe bulimia problem, having gone from not eating anything for days then eating too much one day, just one, I can say, with complete honesty, that if I ever overcome this it would be a miracle. God may exist after all. 

I'm trying, I really am; but it's like sleepwalking- you're not aware of what you are doing, where are you going, waking up later looking at yourself in the mirror and hating your guts. I can't fast- I get too anxious, I can't sleep- I have adult things to do now, I can't lay in bed all day or be a zombie. I can't eat normally cause I trigger myself. The cicle begins again.

For anyone reading this, considering starting a pro-ana diet or maybe I'll just purge the dinner- it's never going to be enough. You hardly can get out of this. It's not worth it.

Take care,

H.