Nothing behind, Nothing in front

 

They released me and no one was there to take me home so I walked. My legs were still weak so I couldn’t walk for long without taking a break and sitting on a bench. I was quite close to home so I decided to force myself to walk without stopping. When I got there I could collapse on my sofa and not get up for hours so it should be worth it. I felt how I was running out of breath, I felt the blood from my face run down, my legs were tremendously shaking, but like the stubborn bastard I was, I kept going on. Until I wasn’t. My head hit the floor before I knew I was going to fall. No one was around me, but they kept screaming.

There was a source of heat on my left side of my head, comforting and checking on the wet spot of my skull. I let myself get lost in that touch just for a second. I felt so young. But I opened my eyes, ready to face the reality. There was Venia, not touching me, just looking at me. The hand was hers. She was gently caressing it. She radiated purity and innocence, exactly how I left her before. My mom’s hair, my dad’s eyes, my desire for revenge were all reflected in her. Her chest was penetrated.

“I’m sorry.”

It all went black again. But I woke up blinded by a light that seemed to have no source. I could walk, but it was meaningless for there was nowhere to go. I circled the place, although I could’ve moved in a straight line. Confusion followed me wherever I went, wherever the thought I had at the moment got me. I was nowhere at all, even when I saw ahead of me the path I should walk when I theoretically knew where I was. I am in an impossible place or am I too blinded by the light to see?

I was shaken by someone. I opened my eyes wide, taken aback by the sudden real movement. It wasn’t Venia, neither her, but a random person who saw me falling. He helped me get to my apartment. I thanked them and assured him that I am able to open the door and get safely inside without help. He went away when I closed the door.

Happiness filled me, but it was short-lived. From the bedroom I could hear screaming, I recognized Evelyn’s voice. With all the force I had I rushed there. The door was open and our bed was occupied. They were doing number 17. They haven’t heard me yet. I went to the kitchen to grab a knife. My calmness surprised and scared me at the same time. I wanted to laugh, but they would hear me, the last thing I wanted to be happening. I felt like I was flying, I was a feather. I prayed. Venia was there, I knew they were there. They would help me carry the task. I am sorry. I entered. They were still too preoccupied to notice me, facing the wall opposite the door. My floor didn’t creak. I kneeled on my bed. They jumped and Evelyn started screaming, apologizing. He was the first to notice my knife, ready to get up.

‘No.’

He sat back, mortified. Evelyn shut up, eyes wide open, mouth agape. Something touched my shoulders- long fingers with nails that broke my skin. I didn’t need to turn around to see who it is. They are always here. I smiled and slit my throat.

But I didn’t die, feeling the excruciating pain of the nerves I had cut, the anxiety of feeling blood leaving your body. I stood still, eyes bulging out. They were screaming and screaming, but they didn’t move from their spot, frozen in time. My limbs were ok, I could move them so I got my hand up and licked the blood on the knife. Evelyn passed out and I walked away.

I was feeling nothing but pleasure. Her adultery bought me regrets and a deep feeling of mistrust, but now that blood was rapidly leaving my body, I was excited. I didn’t die, the gods were by my side, they didn’t want me to die. I had a mission, I was meant to do something, something greater than me, than the universe, something divine. As I was walking, my mind was empty, no destination in mind, but a purpose. I had to be alone, but only in this material world. I was never alone, never lonely. They were always by my side. I felt them as I was walking, I knew they were there when they stopped the time to allow me to be free. I was sure that if the police saw me with a cut on my throat, they wouldn’t just let me pass by. In a perfect world, there wouldn’t be this problem, but anarchy wasn’t a solution.

My feet were taking me outside the city and into the forest. I had to pass by the place where Evelyn and I built the cabin, I wanted the memories even though they could bring me discomfort in a time like this. I had to see the place. The forest wasn’t so quiet. The birds were singing loudly, all at once, the waterfall was louder than anytime else, even though it was winter and it should’ve been frozen. But that wasn’t the reason it was particularly vocal. The trees were speaking. The wind was passing through their branches, soft voices murmuring in the meantime. They were discussing the news, something about the new minister didn’t seem to fit their desire. Trees know better, they’ve been for a longer time than we have. The cabin was there. I don’t know how but it was, standing tall and strong. The wood had our names carved on it. I didn’t want to get in so I continued my way down the path I made myself and for myself.